I need to explain myself before you continue reading any further my dear readers: the day i wrote the words listed below i was angry, sad, confused. Those were true feelings, but they blinded the very best in me. As the days passed and i was able to look at the bigger picture, to not focus on the small little details and got to let go of the grudges and guilt that haunted me, everything got better, much much better.
I wanted to publish it then, for all the wrong reasons, and those close to me advised me otherwise. For a change, i listened to them and withheld my desire to denounce and scream from the top of my lungs. If i do this today it is just because i truly believe all feelings are worth writing about, even the ugliest ones that come from the darkest part of our beings. It was an exercise i have never done before and hopefully will never do again. I do not feel this way anymore, i feel calmed and happy, and have had enough time to put everything in perspective. Also i am making a difficult and proactive effort to forgive everything and to forgive myself for whatever was my own fault. Do not confuse the following text with hatred or a total disappointment in the human condition, i can asure you that is not who i am. Those were words of a broken and confused heart that found himself in a situation from which he could readily come out and thrive. Having said that i present a true story, at least from my own experience, right or wrong i can’t be sure, but i sure lived it as if it were. With no further introduction, i give you:
Ramble
First, my dear reader, i must warn you that this text here is going to devolve into a incoherent rambling at times, for the anger in my chest today makes it hard to keep the focus and stay on the righteous path i’d like to preserve. I honestly wanted to be perfectly cool about the whole ordeal, i wanted to slip it under the carpet, forget about those involved and move on with my life. A great life i must say: i am successful, happy, blessed with true friends and a loving family, fairly good looking, with enough resources and wit to go around doing what i want and dream.
However, after a few hours of deep consideration i must accept that i am neither cool, nor willing to let this one issue go out of mere pure christian goodness. I want blood. I’m pissed and it should be rightfully recognized, if those involved crossed my path in the upcoming days i wouldn’t hesitate to ran them over with my car pretending i did not see them; or throwing them down the stairs by “tripping” right at the right moment; or maybe even just throwing their beloved puppy down a cliff. That’s how pissed i am. It was a betrayal of the uttermost magnitude. I am not saying i am completely free of guilt, but every single piece of guilt that can be tagged to my name is not even close to the actions of those involved in the matter.
Without much further introduction i’ll try to explain plainly what happened. For me to take it out of my chest and for those involved to acknowledge that i know, yes gentlemen, i know all of it. And what i’m missing i will certainly find out soon enough since all of these lie founded constructions tend to crumble at the sight of disaster in their desperate attempts to savage whatever is left of themselves.
So, my beloved ex-boyfriend cheated on me. Which was hard since we were in a mostly open relationship. How? you may ask could he cheat if there were no actual bounds?. Well there was a simple rule, free to go around, but never with any of our close friends. It was simple, concrete enough, not to be mistaken. And he did, on a regular basis, with one whom i once considered a close friends, close enough to have my trust even when i knew he was not to be trusted in a general matter. And so they did, behind my back for weeks, one falling in love, the other playing a sick game of competition with me without my knowledge. And i know it was a mere competition as their love died the minute me and the ex actually broke it off, suddenly their love cooled, the passion disappeared.
All of this conundrum of events happened in the bosom of an already deteriorated close group of friends, where we were trying to savage decaying friendships product of years of small lies, omissions, failed romances and a pathetic need to be beloved by the rest as to ensure our own value that was lacking inside our very core. We needed each other to keep going, but at the end the only path we were taking together was that one over the edge of the cliff into the abyss.
Of course we had a great run in the past, these are people i loved, and to my own bad luck, still care deeply for. Still in a moment of clarity and coherence in my life i decided months ago that i would walk away from that dynamic of competition, decay and selfishness, that same dynamic i treasured with them a while back. It wasn’t for me anymore, i needed something else, more light and quiet in my life. A rediscovery of my inner self. Back then i did not knew of the ordeal with the ex-boyfriend, or that two other of my closest friends there were mostly fully aware of the treachery going on behind my back, they had to know, how could they not?, they were so freaking close, and they took sides when matters defined.
So i walked away a few months back, prior to my discovery, in a hunch-like feeling that my time within that group was over, that there was nothing i could savage, nothing i could still learn other than the ways that i now recognized were not my own to keep. I left not without some public shaming, some talking about it between the others, i was the evil one, the one that abandoned them for no important reason, the stuck up cunt who threw away friendships just because he changed or became a much worse subject. I was a pariah in a way, by my own choice and their own agreement. They may not agree to this dramatic conclusion, they may think i am indeed over reacting and that everything that happened was of my own doing. But at the very last moment i only chose my path, i did not betray my friends, i did not lied in such a way the shame would eat me up alive. I only left, that was my sin.
Regarding the former boyfriend, which i acknowledge i haven’t really talked about much i’ll say the following. I’m hurt, i wished for the best with him, i even gave my forgiveness as he came clean after a bit of squeezing on my part. The fact is, as much as i can see indeed good in him i can’t overlook the fact he lied like that, that he cheated his way out of my caring and love. He was an insensitive little asshole, even if i can only say it far away because i’m still bewildered by some tenderness i was able to see in him for the briefest of times one cold night in March. He is now between those i wouldn’t like to come across again, for the biggest sin on his belt was to not realized what i offered, with my evils and blessings, as it was a true gift offered to him from me. Even if in matters of the heart there is no reason other than what your heart desires. Still, it was me who got screwed over.
As for the rest, the one that did it, the ones that probably knew and said nothing i have nothing but pity, i saw their cynicism taken to a whole new level as they kept going as if nothing would have happened, as if they did not knew i was going to find out and get hurt. They knew, and now i wish not to have any association with them whatsoever. If i intended to keep being friendly and courteous in the past for respect of whatever we had before i now intend to go on like if they were dead. I wish not to have them in my life, not to know what goes on with theirs. They have lost that right for me to care and support in the harshest of circumstances. As i would have done in a much less toxic situation, even with anger in the middle.
I am indeed confident there is still truths behind the whole thing, but as of now there is only one expression that can portray the level of revolt in my head, chest, fists: Fuck them, fuck them over and over again and let them get in life what they deserve. I won’t move a muscle, i won’t get to that level when you need revenge, this last words i write today are the one last thought and action i would like to dedicate to their memory. As i now try to move forward with my life, hope they do the proper, let it all end without pomp, without circumstance, just with the deafening scream of silence to carry us forward to the next dawn.
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So that’s it, no more, no less, that’s my story, no hard feelings, only the truth from my side. No names, no shame, just the unbearable lightness of it.
