Changing packs

I’m actually tired by now, exhausted more like it. Nothing to regret, wouldn’t change a thing, just tired. Despite the difficulty to keep my eyes open I can’t stop wondering what course has brought me to this very instant. Why is it me who’s here, why couldn’t someone else fill this place. The answer came surprisingly easy for me; it’s a matter of choice. With a little luck you get to the point you realize who you are, a bit more work will tell you what you want to do with who you are, everything else comes to an inescapable choice.

I have chosen the very path I insist life sets upon me. Everyday I take decisions that will shape my future; smiling, embracing a career, the friends that I keep close, spending time with my family, getting a dog, those are all everyday choices. We take them slightly for granted as we forget to rationalize the consequences of what we do. The temptation of thinking about the what if only helps if you are willing to reset your course, sometimes it can work, sometimes it is too late. At the end life is indeed too short to wonder around, as humans we must realize how fragile creatures we are, how easy it is for us to die and step into the darkness. We must also realize how great our potential is, how much beauty we can create, how much love we can give, how happy we can be.

I haven’t the slightest idea if there was a supposed purpose for my existence, with that in mind I try giving everything I do one. I try to create value for me and the ones that surround me; sometimes I fail, sometimes I succeed, but with everything that happens I learn, grow, evolve, I become bigger, better, happier. I’ve been thrown out, hurt, heart broken, miserable, sad, confused, desolated, all that with a certainty that whatever happens with me it too shall pass, and I will get over it. I choose to get over, I choose to get by and get better.

One of the hardest things for people like me is to be happy, being able to see darkness and still smile towards it. Knowing, deep inside that despite the darkness there’s also light, loads of it, more than that, available for me to enjoy. Shouldn’t be hard, my first thought is that if I was as smart as I like to think I am I would realize how easy it is to be happy and just go with it. It is indeed a work in progress but lately it all starts to look clearer, I can see contrast in what I was doing wrong and the things I do to change it towards what I really want and need.

Despite the out of proportion amount of I that’s written here, I can’t deny a hard truth learnt across my life; whatever I do or whatever I am it will always be empty if there is no-one else around to share it with. We aren’t self-sufficient islands that can go on living and being happy all by ourselves; there’s always this craving for company, interaction, reflections of ourselves in others to keep us in check. As much as sometimes we would like to cut off from the world we can’t escape from it, even in death we make sure we won’t be alone; we created heaven and earth in order to fulfil that in eternity. I once said I’ve chosen my pack, visualizing myself as a lonely wolf that found someone else to howl to, today I can say that despite the fact my pack has changed a bit with time, I will always need one to keep going. I could chose not to be a part of it, but I have a gut feeling my life would be forever incomplete, I wouldn’t die, nor despair, but it could never be as great as walking along those you chose to love.