Words in the dark

It is indeed one of those nights when words flow in my mind like the strongest of rivers trying to find its cause into the ocean. My whole life comes challenged as i attempt to find meaning, purpose, and reason into the path i have chosen. I have to say i do have a clear idea on the places i want to go and the things i want to do in the future; it is the present and past that suffer in the maze of thoughts i construct around my head. I think about the things i’m leaving behind, the things i’m actively taking on with me; how to balance them, accept the losses and move on. For it is moving on that we can remain alive and reach for true happiness. 

Reading old letters sent to loved ones that are no more; fearing i won’t ever feel as in love to write such beautiful words again to someone. Broken, but in love; Happy, but in love; Alone, but in love. I often remember whom they were, how i felt, usually only the happy moments, the good times we had together, the laughs and smiles every morning by their side. I often forget the sadness, the reasons that brought them all to and end, the anger that thrived in me after each failure, after each disappointment.

Little i know about life now, much more i know than before. I have never left a relationship without learning a huge deal about myself, others, life and its meaning. I am indeed thankful for the all the things i felt and the awesome experiences that i now count as my own. Yet, i must learn to let go. Let go of the things that never will be again, of the friends, lovers, and places that i will never enjoy as i did once before. It is painful, it is hard, it is by far the most excruciating thing for someone that always thought love and friends were forever. Truth be told, love may forever last in your own heart, but the only way for it to thrive is when it is a shared feeling, not kept in the dark corners of our own heart, love withers away when we don’t say it out loud, when we stop screaming at the top of our lungs that we love each other; being with a smile, a joke, a hug, a short call, a tweet or a long embrace in bed. 

When we stop sharing love it dies. It dies as we remain alone, as we chose to keep it away from others. No man is an island, no man can fully achieve his potential, or be truly happy entirely by himself. It is in the reflections of ourselves in others that we can find the answers to our most deep desires and dark questions. 

We must, however, chose wisely the reflections we allow ourselves to see; when you look too long into the abyss your reality becomes darkness; when you look only into the sky you forget the darkness within everyone of us. It is a tricky issue to balance out how we see the world, how we see ourselves; if we are not objective we might end up with and entire wrong idea of what goes on in our life and what kind of person we are. 

The night is dark, my mind is clogged, and my bed feels bigger than ever before. I think of writing someone something, of saying how much i’d love to sleep entangled as before; i won’t write, i won’t call. For what it was, remains in the past; for what i want is not to be found in the old days long gone. Whatever and whoever comes i’ll know to put in its right place, its right time, regardless of noise and blur. 

I will probably keep remembering my past with some nostalgia. I will most certainly expect what’s coming with excitement and a huge smile, for i know it can only get better; not because before was bad, but because i know tomorrow will be as extraordinary as i want it to be.