Late night driving

There i was again, driving, going north like many times before, like many, but this time it felt like no other. I drove to the unknown, i drove to you that night, and in a way to myself. I repeated what i wanted to say in my head, as i often do, practicing what i may or may not say in imaginary conversation that usually never come. But there i was, on my way towards a path my brain saw as a deep cliff but my heart felt like a ramp to fly into the skies. 

I called to let you know i was coming, i don’t think i would have dared to ring the bell with all your family there. I was being daring but i had no desire of unnecessary interaction with former in-laws. The road from the front gate to the house felt longer than before, like the forest wanted to stretch the seconds before the inevitable. It felt like the universe was trying to tell me something, i didn’t listen, i didn’t want to, i didn’t need to, all i wanted and all i needed was already stuck in my head, as it should be. I knew, for the briefest of times, what i desired to do, and for a change, i did it. So i came to you that night, with my heart on my hand, again, for you to take it. 

And so you did, afraid, guilty, happy as well, in the middle of a big bowl of whatever you were feeling right there you said yes. So we gave it a shot, a second chance to a story that, in all fairness, was very much doomed from the first try. We didn’t care, we went for it, for once we were daredevils of love. Looking into the depth and smiling at it, jumping high and enjoying the air as it swooshed around us, roaring, screaming, shaking us all over, as it couldn’t believe we would take that leap. 

The rest of the story went pretty much as everyone, including ourselves, predicted. We are undeniably incompatible. It is something we love about each other and something that delivered the promise of doom upon us. Yet for all the love that might have been there, we really could not last, not this time, and most likely not any other. We are who we are, i don’t want you changing for me, nor i’m willing to change myself for you. That is not how love works, the only thing you ought to be is yourself: the good and bad, the pretty and the ugly. The only change that can ever last is the one that comes from inside, the kind you can’t force upon someone, the one that just sort of happens without you noticing. 

From what is worth, i regret nothing, nor do i apologize for anything, i wanted something and i took it, for as long as i could and as better as i was able to. It was a short but enlightening experience, painful but fun, it took my limits to places i never thought they could be stretched to, and got me thinking in ideas that i never would have considered. It was worth every tear and every bad night. Although i will say one thing, that sort of emotional roller coaster is one i do not wish to ever ride again, i am indeed a one lesson kind of man.