jueves, 6 de febrero de 2014

The ones that made it all worth it

So, i’m looking at this movie, the kind you watch when you are a bit older than the characters and they are right in that time of their lives when they are figuring out the world, doing stupid stuff, being reckless, taking out all the shenanigans in their young spirits into the wild, figuring out how to actually live, not only survive. A girl, on top of a moving truck, standing up against the wind with the perfect rock song as a soundtrack. A boy, in the middle of a football field, with his dreams crushed saying -FUCK YOU!- and moving on. And then, there was me, 27 years old, trying to do my own thing in life, usually off the beaten track. Couldn't do anything else but to feel a bit jealous of that particular moment depicted in the screen, then it hit me, i’ve been lucky enough to have plenty of those, alone and with people i love, all over my life, particularly over the last few years. So now, and in no particular order, the single scenes in my life that made all the rest worth it, for it was then when i grew up a bit each time:

Dawn, cold, empty college

Early in the morning, i was probably around third year in college, my third college that was, earlier than usual, all quiet, all alone, the dawn breaking and the city in the distance starting to emerge from its natural slumber. For a moment there i was completely happy, there was nothing wrong with the world, i was alone and it was ok, the entire world revolved around that instant in my head, there was nothing else but me and it, all my life choices led me there, and i was, for the first time, ok with it. 

Soundtrack: Rent-Will I?(Original Broadway cast)

Spanish course final, high school

The teacher forgot about the test that day, she was a diplomat from Nicaragua with a very bad temper. We all got to the classroom, a bit nervous since she was quite a bitch, and most of us depended on that test to pass the semester. Passing grade was 70, i got a 71. Can’t remember any other time i was so happy to get a grade since then, it meant freedom for the summer, peace back home, happy family vacations and a feeling of accomplishment close only to what the Nobel Literature winner must feel like.

Soundtrack: Billy Idol-Dancing with myself

Niagara Falls

Always heard of them, saw them in videos, read about them. Never seen them until that day, getting off the bus and hearing them roar in the distance, i was around 13 and not much had happen in my life until then. I was aware of it, very much aware of it, all my problems seemed big back then, my jaw dropped, they were huge, and awesome, and made you feel tiny with all that strength. I looked at them from above, from below, from everywhere i could without crossing the border into the US. It was the first time nature astonished me.

Soundtrack: The Planets, Op. 32: I. Mars, the Bringer of War

Pacaya volcano un Guatemala

This was the third time nature astonished me, also the first one that it really scared the crap out of me. Looking for tours around Antigua we ran into the Pacaya trekking trip. A few hours, no special equipment needed, felt safe for a family. Then we got there, long walk, most of it in volcanic ash, one step forward, two steps back. It took most of my strength that day, but i made it to the cone, an actual active volcano, with a steam cloud erupting from the top. I saw the lava, i heard the -swoosh- of molten rock erupting above me, we ran like maniacs. Not that there was somewhere we could run to, it was a volcano and we were on the very rim of the crater. We were the last crew to go up in six months. 

Soundtrack: Gepe-En la naturaleza


Saying goodbye to a sick relationship, and meaning it

It had been 6 months since the last time i saw him, we were never officially together but he found a way in my life somehow, a sick one looking at it from the distance. Then one day, driving back to Mexico City, in the middle of nowhere, not far from the place were my brother and i had a car accident some years before, the song he made me was playing on the car stereo, a few tears came down my face. I kept driving with one hand, took the CD out with the other, opened a window and threw it into the open field, leaving him there, forever. He has been gone ever since.

Soundtrack: Elán-Que te vaya bonito

Winning that paintball game in Houston

I was a fat wimpy kid back then. Charming, but wimpy, adventurous, but fat. And there we were, my cousins and i, around 14 years old, playing paintball with the older guys. I ran around a fence into a thick group of bushes, a road in the middle, then another big bush. Two guys ahead of me, they ran for it, both butchered down with cold-storage paintballs, the ones that are harder to break so they hurt much more. I gasped and ran, i felt the hit on my back, fell on my belly just passed the bush. The paintball did not break, somehow i made it throughout the snipers alive. Ten more meters and there it was, the flag, all alone for the taking. Sensed a trap, didn’t care, i ran, took it and won the field that day.

Soundtrack: David Bowie-Heroes

Mojitos, music and family in Varadero

First family trip in years, somehow they let me organize it. One afternoon we went to have dinner at the old Dupont Mansion over a cliff, with a perfect view of the sunset. Music in the air, just for us at the terrace, best food Cuba can deliver and the magical wit only procured through the bottom of a glass of rum. The water illuminated a million colors, the sky open like a red canvas ready to be painted on, and the company of some of the people i love the most in this life. I even had that cuban cigar to crown it all as the marimba played its song.

Soundtrack: La Sonora Matancera-Yerbero moderno

A Vivir!, a play that changed my life

I met Odin randomly, or so i think. There is a chance he actually wanted to meet me, since he dated my ex briefly right after me. I do believe it was random tho, he wrote this play, based on a book he wrote, or at least the thoughts envisioned in it. He talked about families, about love, about how we need to let go and find our own path. In a way it changed my life; i still howl at the sky every now and then after that, i saw my parents as humans, not as perfected images on my head, i started the long way to forgiveness for everything i consciously and unconsciously blamed them for. That climatic moment in the second act felt like throwing away much dead weight with the sound of howling coming out of my lungs.

Soundtrack: Coldplay-Viva la vida



Hammock, beach and horses in Jicacal

A beer on one hand, the ocean gushing, the wind blowing, clear skies, sun up in the sky, and i’m just rocking on a hammock, watching it all happen while i smile. This is what heaven could feel like i thought. The loud silence only broken by two young horses running playfully on the beach a few meters away from me. I think of taking a picture with my phone but i don’t, i just kept rocking myself, to the tune of the wind and sea, thinking for a moment that life could have ended right there and i would not have felt cheated.

Soundtrack: Jack Johnson-Better together

Tropical storm, the wave breaker path

It was during some of my darkest times i can remember, i was just out as gay to my family, stuck in my hometown against my will, or at least against my desires. There was a big storm in town, driving through the ocean road you could feel the wind pushing the car towards the city. I drove to the wave breaker path, one of my favorite places in the world, in goes 900 m deep into the ocean, bribed my way in, walked slowly throughout the path, waves breaking, every now and then one big enough would come that covered the path whole. I kept going, against my own survival instinct i kept going. Standing at the end, staring right into the ocean, right in to the storm, i screamed from the top of my lungs, all my fear and anger gushed into the water. The storm grew, covering the whole path with water, i grabbed from the lighthouse with all my strength, i felt small, i felt invincible at the same time, i felt i could die at any moment and the freedom that comes with it. 

Soundtrack: Jamie T-Sticks n stones

Dawn, Real de 14, cold as hell

One of my first trips with friends, i was still in high school,  we drove from Monterrey to Real de 14, i probably slept the whole way. We got there late, tired, to one of the ugliest hotels i can remember staying at. Then the morning came, for some reason we were up early, i think it was the cold, bone chilling cold. There it was, the sky has fallen beneath us i thought, we were at the top of this mountain town and the sky was well below our height, the clouds forming in the valley like white wool carpet that hasn’t been flattened yet. Second time nature astonished me. 

Soundtrack: The Weepies-All this beauty

Xochimilco, candle lit drinking

My first visit to Xochimilco and all its wonders. I remember being slightly nervous of sailing away on a boat even if in the middle of the city. No cellphone signal, no restroom on board. Just a bunch of friends, alcohol, food and, thank god, infinite music. The night came, we didn’t want to leave, so we kept going, we bought some candles, we took down the rain curtains, and sang our little hearts out for hours. That feeling of -I belong- within that group of people came to me that night, like i wouldn’t trade it for the world, i never did. 

Soundtrack: Joaquín Sabina-Por el bulevar de los sueños rotos

Urban Geyser, Havana

College trip to Cuba, various days of proper touring of the city. I liked my college classmates, they were fun but our relationship was never that deep. We went to a show one night, in the Melía Cohiba Club. We got out, and something wonderful happened, we were just standing a block away from the ocean road. We could hear the tide breaking into the rocks, more than that we could see it. A broken sewer led directly to the ocean, each time the waves struck the sewer filled with water and shoot a column of water directly into the sky like a cannon. We ran and danced and played in that urban geyser. For a moment there was nothing else, just good old fashioned fun between strangers. 

Soundtrack: Fun-We are young (Feat. Janelle Monáe)

Dad’s funeral

I was sad yes, i was crushed, yes. And still, the vibe coming out of that room was somehow exhilarating. For along the sad faces came all the good memories, all the stories we all heard a million times, a casket covered and overflowing with flowers, humans touched by my father in the most unexpected and incredible ways. For my dad was not just my dad, he was a friend, a lover, a fighter, a teacher to so many other people. It filled my heart with pride. 

Soundtrack: Joaquín Sabina-Menos dos alas

Santo Domingo and mezcal

Coming from a party, mezcal bottle in hand, best friend by my side, we decided to take on the city. Sipping from the bottle we ended up in the stairs of Santo Domingo in Oaxaca City. Talking about the past, about the future, about how we were going to take over the world one day. Looking at the sky, mind all cloggy from all that drinking, enjoying the quiet of the night broken only by our laughter every now and then. 

Soundtrack: Miguel Poveda-Hacia la vida

Looking out the window, New York City

It was one of the longest days of meetings and work i can remember, the investment deal just signed, elevator celebratory dance right after. Morning after, i wake up, look at the city, realize how big and amazing it seems, thinking to myself -I’m here to conquer it all, it’s all within my reach- One of those i’m invincible moments you are actually seizing. Thinking in the men that built such a place, and dreaming on my own contribution some day. -I can do it i thought- still today i think i am. 

Soundtrack: The Shoes-Time to dance(Feat. Anthonin Ternant)

Dancing at a club, with great friends

We were a random bunch, one couple many of the rest single. We clubbed a lot back then, we were gay royalty there. Vodka and rum all over, a long night before and a long night after us. And when i thought nothing could be out of the ordinary that some came up, we hugged in a circle and danced, and sang, and jumped like that was the best night of our lives, like nothing could ever set us apart. For the briefest of moments we all felt infinite. Turns out we weren’t. 

Soundtrack: Black Eyed Peas-I got a feeling (David Guetta FMIF Remix)

Taking home the cutest guy in the club

Night out with all my girls and boys. Oddly to a straight club, or so we thought. The night was just beginning, maybe a drink or two so far, and there he was: blonde, tall, round and great looking face, perfect straight nose, a few days old beard, and the deepest blue eyes ever. I saw him first and i went -I like him- my two friends came after with the same conclusion. We didn’t know anything about him, nor if he was gay or straight, we just wanted him right there and then. Being a democratic capitalistic society we decided to let the market decide. Each man/woman on its own. Five minutes and we were making out. It wasn’t much after that, but that night i took the cutest guy home. Not a lot of meaning or deep reflexion, just a big, awesome, rush of ego and vanity. And that, sometimes, is just what one needs. 

Soundtrack: Kurt Calleja-This is the night / Scissor Sisters-Fuck Yeah


These are some of my few moments, the ones that made the rest worthwhile, the ones i look back with a smile on my face, the ones that defined moments in my life and in a way my life itself. They are mine and noone else’s. What are yours?, i’m sure you have them, you just have to remember.

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